Malcolm & Marie – Turning Towards Your Partner
This film truly highlighted how uncomfortable it can be to watch a couple stuck in gridlock, with no resolution as their issues become increasingly intense and polarizing. As an audience we watched this couple undermine one another back and forth as their attempts to find resolution with empathy, humor, or physical affection was defeated every time by negativity. No wonder it is scientifically proven unhappy relationships can increase your chances of getting sick or even shorter your life span by an average of four to eight years. Emotional intelligence is a main predictor of a relationship’s success, and this couple as a unit were not successful with articulating their thoughts and feelings in a constructive way to prevent those negative encounters from overpowering their positive ones.
It’s typically easy to spot unhealthy dynamics from the outside looking in, but what about when you’re the one inside experiencing the never ending emotional attack? It truly takes strength and courage to turn toward a partner when they no longer represent emotional safety for you. Here’s an analysis of the outcome we did not get to see in the film. These tips will give any relationship experiencing something similar a fighting chance to change its trajectory and have a healthier outcome.
Avoid flooding
It was very evident both Malcolm and Marie exchange of words hit several nerves. Usually when someone is experiencing emotional flooding it’s impossible to control the physiological and physical sensations. Typically, there are warning signs you may notice such as holding your breath, rapid heart rate, or muscles clenching which then triggers your fight or flight response. Accessing our resources for calming down can be challenging under these circumstances so it is best to avoid “going there” all together as soon as you notice the cues.
Self soothe
Periodically we witnessed both actors temporarily end their argument by walking away, stepping outside, etc. Their breaks were failed attempts not only because the other followed to make more heated points, but also because the separation wasn’t enough time for their bodies to return to their previous level of functioning and release the distress. It’s critical to give yourself at least 20 minutes to calm down and spend that time doing something soothing or distracting rather that be through meditation, exercise, sleep, or listening to music.
Make & receive repair attempts
When negativity or hurtful language becomes frequent in a relationship, it paves the way for emotional distance. The only way out of this cycle is for positivity to outweigh the negative exchanges which is where repair attempts can help. In the case of Malcolm and Marie their positive shift didn’t sustain because they have a tendency to miss the underlying message that is being delivered from one another. Over time, the more emphasis made on applying repair attempts the better chances of decreased tension overall and the easier it will become to receive the repair. Repair attempts include any and all things that support you both with acknowledging wrongdoing, showing affection, and increasing understanding.
Soften your language
This is generally achievable when you can share some responsibility or at the very least take ownership of your feelings and experience. There were points throughout the film where Marie was able to finally express her needs to Malcolm without being extremely cruel, the highlight is the speech at the end. As both of them took offense to the points being made, it’s also important to point out that her language never seemed to top his level of cruelty. It’s important to soften your interactions when possible rather than continuously challenging the other. Without softer responses such as a smile, laugh, or touch it is inevitable for your partner to feel unembraced.
Process
The goal of overcoming relationship problems is to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other. If you can recall majority of the movie felt like a battle between the couple when truly neither partner should have to “give in” or “lose” at the end. Each of your realities are equally valid. By opening up about the history behind your position or perspective and what it means to you, you’ll increase the chances of receiving an empathetic response from your partner. It’s unrealistic to mirror one another exactly on your values or the meaningful things to you in life, therefore, being respectful and informed of each others beliefs are important. Where you differ, focus on becoming curious and respectful.
Break the pursuer-distance cycle
The pursuer-distance cycle is maintained by both partners playing their role. When conflict becomes too overwhelming one person may opt out of dealing with it altogether by distancing themselves which leads the other person to pursue. This cycle is demonstrated in the almost sex scenes as we see Marie appears to be distant repetitively, which is likely because she ruminates on the critical statements made just seconds before. It’s also observed by the silent treatment one gives while the other becomes verbally aggressive. The pursuer takes the distance their partner has created personally and when they fail to connect it often leads to a cold state, which only further withdraws the distancer. Becoming emotionally responsive can eliminate odds of this cycle continuing and ensure an inferiority dynamic is not created.