Strategies to replace harsh startups in your relationships
At some point you may have been introduced to harsh start ups through your family of origin, current environment, or mainstream media. It’s even likely you’ve repeated these strategies in attempt to alleviate conflict and stress. If you’ve experienced yourself becoming reactive in the heat of the moment, as a result you may know what it’s like to be a part of a chain causing one to suffer in a relationship. We should acknowledge agony, hurt, shame, confusion, pride, and misunderstanding has been the reality to exist for some of us within our relationships far too often. Let us all be comforted in realizing that repair work within relationships is possible whether intimate, platonic, familial, professional, or a friendship. It’s possible to recover, be seen, feel heard, be validated, and grow from unfavorable interactions, however, this doesn’t come to be without putting in the work. It’s especially important to note we have the capacity to establish understanding and connection with others in our lives if we so choose to.
While disagreements are natural, John Gottman predicted it is the way in which disagreements are addressed which will surely make all the difference. If there is a pattern of relying on bribing, punishing, nagging, blaming, criticizing, complaining, and threatening the likelihood of repair is very seldom. These very harsh startups can increase the likelihood of failure in our relationships. On the other hand, if we choose to lead with support, encouragement, a listening ear, acceptance, trust, and respect the odds of negotiating differences will be in our favor. We must work to preserve a positive shift in our interactions if we care to eliminate suffering within our relationships. This has the potential to create generational healing within our relationships.
If you’ve decided to pour into your relationships in efforts for them to flourish, then this message is for you! Please note this list is not exhaustive, however, you’re encouraged to use these tips as a starting point to replace the harsh start ups and claim better outcomes in your relationships.
7 deadly habits: bribing, punishing, nagging, blaming, criticizing, complaining, threatening
7 alternatives: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, negotiating differences
Keep the problem as the problem
It isn’t unlikely to lose focus of the true issue at hand if the conversation isn’t set up with good aim from the start. You may be initially tempted to analyze your situation and feel the need to assign someone at fault. By keeping the problem as the problem it ensures you aren’t increasing defensiveness in others, decreases chances of escalation, and eliminates judgment. After you’ve identified the problem, create a goal you can collaboratively work towards and maintain respect along the way to protect the relationship.
Define your needs for others
Keep in mind your wants and needs can be subjective. Make a conscious effort to explain them to those important people in your life rather than assuming they automatically know. You are the expert of your own world therefore the opportunity for your expectations to be met lies in the hands of you communicating your needs. One who takes time to consider their needs, best hopes, and desired outcome from a discussion prior to initiating it will be more solution focused. With the focus on expressing yourself, you’ll be able to refrain from using heavy criticism. Healthy communication allows a chance for both individuals to have their viewpoints and unmet needs supported.
Listen reflectively
This requires no interruptions on your behalf as you give your undivided attention to whomever is speaking and demonstrate you care through nonverbal gestures. Consider if you’re able to reflect back what you heard and check to ensure you’ve interpreted it right. If by chance your paraphrase wasn’t accurate continue to ask clarifying questions until you reach understanding. It can mean a-lot when you’re able to listen to others pain and respond with empathy.
Keep it on topic
Continuously bringing up past issues undermines your ability to resolve anything currently at hand. If there are existing unresolved past issues now is not the time to nag about it. If you find yourself getting off topic kindly remind yourself of the value of the relationship that is at stake. Making progress with restoring trust and understanding will surely come from making a commitment to discuss concerns as they arise. If needed, you can return to discuss other problem areas at another time.
Accept your differences
It’s important to recognize and honor your differences in viewpoints and experiences. Alternatively, you may be used to relying on tactics such as bribing, threatening, or punishing others when they don’t conform to your personal beliefs and values, however this only further
escalates the battle for control. Although you may have gained a false sense of power, your “win” will likely cost you the relationship. Acceptance can eliminate feelings of fear and allow others to share their true thoughts and feelings more freely.
Respect boundaries
Respecting others boundaries looks like: getting consent, accepting “no”, granting privacy, allowing others to share information only regarding what they feel is appropriate, allowing others to give input and/or decide what is good for them (even children), encouraging others to elaborate on their reality, and acknowledging others limits.