Passing on Emotional Intelligence: Teaching Children
Emotional intelligence can be considered as a basic life skill, but for many of us we may have had less exposure in settings where understanding our own emotions was highly favored. Luckily, whether we are looking to learn this skill for the first time or master it indefinitely there is opportunity to be influenced and positively impact children of upcoming generations. The ability to explore what we’re feeling and also understand others perspectives is critical in how we handle the relationships in our lives and longevity in health. Passing on this skill to the children in your life early on will certainly add value to their life experiences and overall well being.
So what happens when we aren’t emotionally intelligent?
Often the attitude developed from people who view emotions as destructive have a low tolerance of accepting emotions of themselves and others.
This may sound like:
“Don’t feel that way”
“You should be over it”
“You have no reason to feel angry”
Not being in tune with our emotions or unwillingness to self regulate or be empathetic towards others will likely backfire in ways that aren’t always obvious. This can quickly lead to dismissive behavior, disconnection, and “tough love” as the norm leading to poor self management and poor social skills.
Has there ever been a time you were unable to voice your opinion or give input? In some cultures it can be viewed as a challenge to an authoritative figure or highly disrespectful for a child to voice their concerns. For example, has anyone else ever heard “because I said so” as an explanation for both major and minor inquiries? Essentially this indirectly teaches children to be externally compliant. In other instances it is possible a child may develop underlying beliefs such as “It’s only safe to agree and comply, If I disagree I’m in trouble” which can lead to different possible outcomes. On one hand you may find a child suppressing their emotions as their idea of maintaining peace, on the other hand you may notice an increase in rebellious or risky behaviors. These patterns of core beliefs if not corrected will continue throughout the life span in other relationships.
So how do we start?
Our ability to guide others is limited in instances where our own insight is blurred. For parents, caregivers, teachers, or mentors who never learned to manage the intensity of their own feelings it makes it that much challenging to instill it in children around you. By beginning with ourselves and increasing self understanding, naming our own emotions out loud for ourselves this will effortlessly lead to modeling positive approaches to manage emotions and the children around you will notice.
Encourage open and honest communication, allow children to respectfully share their worldview with you and reassure them you love them even when their desires differ from yours. Before giving any rational answer it’s important to co-regulate a child’s emotional need to reduce stress.
One of the most meaningful gifts an adult can give a child is to acknowledge his or her own mistakes when they occur and repair the wrongdoing. This models how to make mistakes and be okay with self forgiveness.
This may sound like:
“My reaction was too extreme, I apologize.”
“I noticed I became defensive, can I rephrase that?”
“I’d like another chance to listen and try to understand.”
Do we only process comfortable feelings?
Children thrive when we express understanding and respect for their emotions, this includes the uncomfortable emotions too. It is important to validate children's experience, even when our realities as adults look very different. Numbing uncomfortable feelings can slowly develop into a pattern of avoidance that will not support anyone in self awareness or self reflection. It isn’t uncommon for some people to have difficulty processing unpleasant feelings with children such as anger, shame, helplessness, and grief, therefore it may be helpful to consider the help of a therapist for further support in processing these emotions.