Blended Families: Choosing Unity

Parenting is typically described as a job of honor, step-parenting while it can be just as rewarding, can bring different challenges for the entire family unit. Each individual within the blended family brings in their own values, beliefs, roles, and previous way of life. Creating a partnership in parenting with all caregivers involved is highly important in order to reduce likelihood of severe disruption during childhood and possibly into their adult lives. 

Here are a few skills recommended to create a unified household and family: 

Unite by choice 

As a parent with children from a previous relationship or marriage, you have made a conscious decision to allow your partner into your child(ren)’s life. As a step-parent, you’ve accepted this new role by choice as well. This is not a decision to be taken lightly and preparation involves being ready to uphold the responsibilities of this agreed upon lifestyle. With this in mind, it is necessary to be intentional about building rapport with the child(ren) in advance prior to reaching this level of commitment. 

Meet the child(ren) where they’re at 

During the process of joining families together it may be difficult to define your relationship as a stepparent. For some children, coping with the separation of their parents can be devastating which may make it challenging to be open minded about this new dynamic of a blended family. Your struggle to connect with them can be magnified by the lack of knowledge on how to support them through this process. Whether they’re distant towards you or appear uninviting, allow them time to grieve openly without personalizing their response. Become curious of their thoughts, dreams, and wishes. Remaining consistent with a loving and empathetic approach allows you to honor their reality and increases stability. 

Focus on positive ways to interact with all caregivers involved 

Parental conflict is detrimental to creating an inclusive environment and bonding. Children rely on parental figures to be their sounding board and reassure them “we will get through this” despite their fears, anxieties, and intense feelings. Consider, if you’re unable to manage your own frustrations or anxiety and begin acting disrespectfully, argue in front of children, put down the other parent, where will your child(ren) gain security and comfort from? When children witness their caregivers collaborating together for their benefit, they feel safe. In honor of supporting your child with positive development, take the lead and be mindful of the kind of interactions you participate in. Acknowledging how difficult this may be particularly for some, you may consider viewing the other parent through the eyes of your child in order to highlight positive qualities or characteristics. 

Show acceptance of both homes

Showing acceptance can be demonstrated with the type of language you use about their other home. All children require investment to feel safe and secure across both homes. Allow the child(ren) to give input on what to leave at each home or consider adding permanent necessities in both locations rather than instructing them to transport items. Allow them to feel excited about enjoying their time at their other home and allow them opportunity to willingly share about their time spent outside of your home rather than pry. Transitioning from one home environment to the next can be less challenging when both environments are aligned. When you give your child(ren) the gift of predictability, you’ve granted them a healthy two home family. No matter the arrangement or amount of time spent at each home, it is important for the schedules to remain as consistent as possible. 

Facilitate family meetings 

Family meetings can establish time to gain feedback and develop a sense of belonging and pride amongst all family members. This time can be used to establish boundaries or rules and identify what things are working in favor of the blended family and what things are not working. Additionally, it creates a recurring time to bond which the family can count on to acknowledge accomplishments, expectations, needs, and concerns. Regardless of which house they’re in having a discussion surrounding privileges and discipline can be helpful to ensure similar messages are being received from all caregivers. In order to eliminate any confusion or manipulation be sure to address any discrepancies with the biological parent directly rather than sending messages through the child.